BREAKING NEWS: WI Governor Scott Walker Fires Himself

Taking a cue from Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker today declared the state of Wisconsin to be in a “state of financial emergency” and has fired all state and local elected officials and employees, including himself.

According to former-spokesperson April oloF, former-governor Walker originally had intended to exclude himself, and a few other chosen bureaucrats, but a paperwork mistake failed to mention those exclusions. The declaration also dissolved all towns, local school districts, state courts, and voided all local and state contracts.

“I’m going to my home now in what used to be called Madison,” said April oloF. “I would go apply for unemployment, but that office is now shut down too. Maybe I’ll move to what used to be Green Bay. Or maybe somewhere out in the country, since there aren’t any fire or police departments anymore.”

A call to what used to be the Secretary of State’s office for verification went unanswered.

Scranton woman hides heroin, money, loose change in herself – News – The Times-Tribune

I was not sure whether I should post this or not. Part of me says it doesn’t really have anything to do with the local or any redeeming issues. Another part of me says it’s so ludicrous, strange, sad, and stupid that I HAVE to post it. Guess which side won.

After crashing her car Sunday, police said a Scranton woman suspected of burglarizing the Dunmore Inn was found to have a sizeable stash of drugs and money hidden in an unlikely location.

According to a criminal complaint:

Dunmore police Officer Anthony Cali asked Scranton police Officer Nancy Baumann to detain Karin Mackaliunas, 27, 1609 Mulberry St., at the scene of a crash at the North Seventh Avenue off-ramp Sunday evening.

After her car was towed, Ms. Mackaliunas was ready to leave the scene of the crash when Officer Cali contacted Officer Baumann and asked for Ms. Mackaliunas to be detained because she was suspected of stealing items from the inn.After searching her for weapons, Officer Baumann found three bags of heroin in Ms. Mackaliunas’ jacket.

But as the officer drove her to Scranton police headquarters to charge her for drug possession, Officer Baumann noticed Ms. Mackaliunas fidgeting in the backseat of the cruiser.

After a struggle with Officer Baumann during a more thorough search at headquarters, Ms. Mackaliunas asked to speak with Sergeant Michael Mayer and told him she had hidden more heroin in her vagina.

A search of Ms. Mackaliunas by a doctor at Community Medical Center turned up 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, 8.5 prescription pills and $51.22.

Ms. Mackaliunas was charged with possession with intent to deliver a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia and two counts of possession of a controlled substance.

via Scranton woman hides heroin, money, loose change in herself – News – The Times-Tribune.

Tiger Cub Found in Thai Woman’s Luggage at Airport – ABC News

Of all the things that people have tried to take on vacation with them, this is certainly among the strangest. A Thai woman was arrested after allegedly trying to smuggle a baby tiger cub out of Thailand in her checked luggage.

Authorities first knew something was amiss when the woman checked in for her flight from Bangkok’s Suvarnabhumi Airport to Iran. She was acting suspiciously and, while the bag wasn’t moving, it sure looked oversized. So airport employees X-rayed the suitcase.

Hidden among stuffed toy tigers was a 2-month-old real tiger cub that had been drugged.

The woman, identified as Piyawan Palasarn, 31, was arrested Sunday and the cub was sent to a wildlife conservation center in Bangkok. Palasarn faces up to four years in prison and a $1,300 fine for two wildlife smuggling-related charges.

via Tiger Cub Found in Thai Woman’s Luggage at Airport – ABC News.

Stupidest Man In Canada Cuts In Front Of Cops To Rob Starbucks – The Consumerist

Another tip to anyone wishing to hold up a Starbucks: Not only is it a bad idea to go ahead with the robbery if there are police officers in the shop at the time, but you should probably not cut in front of the cops in order to start your hold up.

This exact scene played out over the weekend at a Starbucks in British Columbia, when two police officers watched as a 43-year-old man ignored them and the other people in line, walked right up to the register, threw a drink in an employee’s face and demanded cash.

Making things even more bizarre for the cops, they had just spoken with this same man outside the Starbucks only minutes earlier.

“[The officers] looked at each other in astonishment that someone would attempt that with two uniform officers in the room,” a police rep told the press afterward.

The wannabe robber was quickly apprehended and arrested by the officers. No word on whether or not they were able to get the coffee they were waiting in line for.

via Stupidest Man In Canada Cuts In Front Of Cops To Rob Starbucks – The Consumerist.

Criminal Stupidity | Reader’s Digest

# After stealing surveillance cameras from a Garden Grove, California, business, Howard Shanholtzer ditched the white Mitsubishi pickup truck cops knew he drove and stole another vehicle. “Unfortunately for him,” said Detective Paul Danielson, “the car he stole was also a white Mitsubishi pickup truck.” Shanholtzer was quickly arrested.

# Police pulled over a Corpus Christi, Texas, man for failing to signal a turn. Cops became suspicious that something more was up when, they say, the driver blurted out, “It’s not my truck,” followed by, “If you find something, it’s not mine.” And, “If there is anything in that black bag, it’s not mine.” There was something in that black bag, say officers—crack cocaine. And no, they did not believe him.

# While searching for murder suspect Sterling F. Wolfname, cops in Billings, Montana, ran into someone at a shelter who matched his description. When they asked him if he was Wolfname, the man said he wasn’t. The officers concluded he was fibbing when they spotted this tattoo on his head: Wolfname.

# Fort Worth, Texas, police arrested Charles Ray Fuller for trying to cash a check made out for $360 billion. Fuller claimed his girlfriend’s mother gave him the money to start a record business. The woman denied being that dumb.

via 2008: The Year in Stupidity | Great Ideas | Reader’s Digest.

Wis. man attempts drive-by shooting, forgets to roll down car window

Sometimes I’m just speechless by how incredibly stupid some people can be. And then 2 words come to mind: JOB SECURITY!

Drive-by shooting epic fail: Forgetting to roll down your car window before you start shooting from the driver’s seat. Whoops.

Andrew J. Burwitz, 20, of Appleton, Wis., allegedly tried to do a drive-by shooting at the home of his ex-girlfriend’s family and another random house. Police found him because he failed to roll down his car window and shattered it when he made the first shot.

via Wis. man attempts drive-by shooting, forgets to roll down car window – Minneapolis / St. Paul News – The Blotter.

Police FAIL